In the shoes of others

Parents and introversion

- Two things have come to my mind.
I would like people to understand that life can be very difficult if you haven't had parents who love you the way you want to be loved, who might not quite understand you and openly abuse you for the parts they don't like. I feel like the perspective of the world and the way you behave and think can be so different from people who have had loving and accepting parents. And it's very, very difficult to change that, for me. I feel like quite a lot of people have had parents who haven't been the best, but it's not something that is often talked about. I feel like it's often joked about, and like, you know, just people telling stories about their parents. I just wish that was a topic that was talked about more, because I think it affects a lot and it's one of the most prevalent topics...
The other thing that I initially thought about is that... I would like people to understand about me and others who are similar in this regard that being silent and introverted and quiet doesn't mean I don't like people. It just means that I can be very scared of social situations, and very scared of rejection and hurt. I feel like there's a lot of fear going around anyway, in many areas of life, so...

- Okay, so if we can develop the first topic first, maybe, what do you think would be a solution... I'm thinking, should parents do this? To have the discussion, like « What do you actively do to be a good parent? », or « What does it mean to be a good parent? », I mean, is it up to the kids or to the parents to do that effort to make the change?

- That's a good question... I would say, while children are children, we shouldn't have to do this emotional labor because our parents fuck up... I'm not sure... I mean, all sorts of people have children and all sorts of people have insecurities and fears that come out as behaviors and how they hurt other people. Because all of us hurt people in different ways. It's a difficult question...

- Difficult because there's basically no manual, you are free to make a baby at any stage of adult life...

- I guess you can't really tell people « You are not allowed to have children if you exhibit this and this behavior because this will fuck your children up. » But I guess something that's really important, because most children go to school, and since school is an educational environment: While children are in school, the school kind of takes on the role of the parents while the parents are away in my opinion. So I think the school curriculum in general should be changed a bit to actually suit what we need and want from life, instead of teaching me that fucking algorithm I will never need again...

- I guess it's a complicated one, we could discuss that for an hour because there are so many parameters... it also feels like some parents think that school should do their kids' education, and the teachers don't even have the training for that, it's not their job, they teach math or geography, not how to not assault women or how to spend your money and those kind of things...

- To be honest, I've had quite a few teachers in high school and also in middle school that just were like second parents to me, which, I was very lucky and it was really nice to have that relationship with teachers... so I think something about the curriculum, something about the way we approach teacher-student relationships... hum, it's a very complex topic!

- Okay, maybe back to the introvert one... it sounds like some people were not too happy with you being perhaps too quiet or something? Have you ended up developing some kind of behaviors or habits, like you know, putting your headphones on so people don't speak to you and that kind of things?

- Oh, definitely! I mean, thinking recently, in the past year or two, I've gotten much better at approaching people and being approached by people, as you can maybe figure. (laughing) But I would say a big thing is, like, home situations. If I don't have flatmates that I feel emotionally comfortable around, most of the time I would stay in my room, to the point of not eating enough. I also just don't want to engage in meaningless talks, that's not interesting to me. The other side of being quiet is that it's ok to not be interested in what other people talk about, because sometimes you don't resonate with those things, and you don't have to engage positively with everyone that you come across. I feel like many people people-please in that way, and you don't have to. It's ok to say or show that you are not interested, and if people take that personally... it's their problem! (laughing)

- Do you feel like the whole introvert/ambivert/extrovert thing is like a spectrum or something?

- To be honest, I'm a bit confused by this whole spectrum thing of extroverts and introverts, because the definitions can be a bit unclear, and right now I mostly subscribe to: Okay, extroverts get off of external stimulation and social time, they get their energy from that... and introverts recharge through quiet time and alone time. And ambiverts, well, I don't know what the fuck they're doing. (laughing) I guess they're lucky... I suppose it can be a spectrum, but I feel like some people are really both, and I guess everybody can be that way. For some reason, I don't quite 100% like using this term "introvert", because I don't want to be alone all the time. I love being around the right people, I love feeling connection with people; actually, human connection is the thing I crave the most, so it's kind of weird to call myself an introvert. Because I can also recharge through having an amazing intimate time with people, and I don't mean just sexually or romantically, also just talking with a friend or stranger. So yes, it's a tricky one, I'm still thinking about it...

- Okay, is there anything you would like to add?

- Hum... What I would like for people to think about is that, in my opinion, it all comes down to love and fear. If you are not a psychopath perhaps (although I might be totally misinformed on psychopath's needs and wishes), then I guess your main motivation for many things you do in life is just to feel loved. I feel like that's what it might come down to, apart from basic survival needs. At least that's what it comes down to for me. And then on the other side of that, there is a lot of fear, coming from different things. I guess these are the two deciding factors...

#understand #difficult #parents #love #perspective #world #silent #introverted #quiet #introvert #socialsituations #discussion #goodparent #badparent #children #emotionallabor #school #education #curriculum #extroverts #connection #feelloved

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